A Pimp’s Dilemma
Being the pimp that I am, I have been able to flip seemingly unflippable situations many times before. Women with whom I work? Check. The best friend forever? Check. The sworn enemy? Check.
But, I have finally met my match. Not in any specific woman, but a specific dilemma. The shit looks like a layup fellas, but for those familiar with this dilemma, you know that it's a layup on a 15-foot court. It's what I call the gay friend conundrum, and the dilemma is how to get the fuck out of it.
The gay friend conundrum is basically when you have a female friend who confides in you that she's A) not getting laid often enough or B) not getting the pipe put on her the right way. She's calling you or sitting on your couch and pouring her horny ass heart out like you ain't gonna do anything, but yet she knows how you get down. She's seen the golden condom wrappers scattered about on the floor. So you suggest to Sherlock Holmes her situation and offer your services. She looks at you like your, well...gay. As my boy Velvet once said, "That's like a girl calling
me Pizza Hut and saying she's horny hungry and she really wants some pipe pizza but when I tell her I we have pipe pizza, she says she doesn't want it any." And while yes, it could be the girl on the phone really doesn't like my pipe Pizza Hut, but if the chick is really that horny hungry, and without pipe broke, and I'm Pizza Hut willing to fuck her with no strings attached got 2-for-1 medium pizza specials, well you better take the dick deal.
The problem with this situation is that it further proves the inherrent differences between a man's version of friendship and a woman's version of friendship. So let me explain.
When a man decides, once and for all, that he will be friends with a woman, he stops seeing her in a sexual light. She has a mean Madden game, and we invite her over to go a couple of games. We turn off that part of our brain so when we're with our lady friend, the two of them can co-exist without any tension. So basically, we're not even thinking of this girl in a sexual context. We've built her up to look like one of our boys. No matter how fine she is. She got a taper with waves, Timbs, man hands, a mustache, all that shit. But as soon as this woman starts talking about the lack of sex, and all this built up sexual tension, that man-ish look fades away, and we begin to see those hips, breasts, full mouth, and all the other things that make men crazy. We see the woman we've been sleeping on along, and now we want to sleep with her.
Women on the other hand, befriend men for nothing more than moving help and self-esteem boosts. Now for the moving help, they really don't care whether their male friend is gay or straight, they just need him to be able to hoist a coffee table on his back and carry it downstairs. But when it comes to self-esteem, they'd prefer a straight man to a gay man because while a gay man would tell her she's beautiful, at the end of the day, she knows that he and his "friends" don't want any woman, let alone her. They run game on the straight man to get all the estrogen they can out of him, even when they know his rep, which is insulting.
So what I have decided to do is no longer offer any woman a solution to her problem. I won't even offer my body as the solution because women don't work well with solutions. No, what women really want is options. (If you don't believe me, go look at all the different colored hand towels available. That shit was made with women in mind, not men.) That being said, here is how I will handle a woman the next time she says to me she can't find a man who can break her off:
I will proceed to undress myself, right in front of her. She will probably be surprised by this and ask me what I am doing. I will not answer. Then, when I am finally completely undressed she has two options. They are as follows:
*** If you brothas out there have any other ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments section.