I am currently in Missouri filming my submission for Sundance and I keep visiting a bunch of old friends who's closets look like pet cemetaries. Would I be doing society a good deed by throwing paint on their coats?
—Dominique Sweets

Dear Miss Gyllenhaal,
If, in fact, you really are submitting a film to Sundance, you should do society a favor and swallow that paint yourself. The last thing we need is another movie about a retarded photo-hut employee finding her voice through incest and interpretive dance.

I'm having a hard time choosing between Brown and Miami U. Though Brown probably boasts a few Rhode Scholars, the town is a social graveyard. What's more important: social or scholastic achievement?
—Kevin Quayle

Dear Flounder,
I'd go for the education. From the sound of things, you're not getting laid anyway until you're well into your 30s and making high six figures. The only thing Miami can offer you right now is a toothpaste wedgie from the football team.

What's good son? My born day is coming up and I don't know who to kick it with. My wife got the crazy fatty and cooks a mean steak, but my girlfriend's head game is like the bomb in the Middle East. What's a playa to do?
—Quawan Ari

Dear Playa,
Maybe you should spend it with a grammar textbook? Hmm? How does that sound?