Dress To Kill
When I was a wee lad, busting ass in Castlevania on my Nintendo and playing CEO to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fanclub, my toy chest overflowed with G.I. Joe action figures. They were miniature, gun-toting staples during my formative yearsâ€”much like any other young dude in my age bracket. So, being the giddy fanboy that I am, the initial news of a live action "Joe and Friendsâ€ movie in the summer of 2009 had me a bit geeked. The mindless, CGI possibilities are endlessâ€”it could be the ultimate popcorn flick.
And then Stephen Sommers was announced as the director, and slowly, my balloon began deflating. Sommers, whose actually rather equipped to handle intelligent-free action extravaganzas, totally decimated the Universal Pictures monster roster in 2004's horrendous shit-show Van Helsing (a crying, pussy-whipped Frankenstein's monster? Shit made me tear up). Yet, like a malicious seesaw, G.I. Joe the movie once again became exciting as the cast was slowly announced. Sure, it became even more random with each official role slotted, but amidst the confusion were some genuine homeruns. The underrated, future Oscar winner Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander? Hell yeah! Chiseled, charismatic Channing Tatum as Duke? Sure! Marlon Wayans rejoining society as Ripcord? Sort of bizarre, but let's do it! Chest-blessed Rachel Nichols as Scarlett? Lovely. Diddy's rumored jumpoff Sienna Miller as The Baroness? Eh, could be better, but whatever. Go Joe!
And then these early pictures of the thespians in costume hit the Internet. Deflated beyond comprehension. True, there's some perverted glee felt while ogling Nichols in that skintight black suit. But why do Wayans and Tatum have on that same suspect Batman-meets-X-Men black suit, too? Consulting my old action figures in my parents' attic, I realized that we may be in for Van Helsing 2 here. See for yourself, comrades.
More info on G.I. Joe here.