5) When she sleeps over, slip on a fake wedding band in the morning. Wake up screaming: "Who are you and what the hell have you done with my wife?”

4) Send flowers to her job and sign the card, "Thanks for last night, Nancy.” Make sure her name isn't Nancy.

3) Replace her conditioner with Nair. When her hair falls out, say you were helping her overcome European beauty standards.

2) In the middle of watching porn together, ask if her sisters are sexually fulfilled.

1)When the check comes at dinner, open it, slide it back to her and say, "The sex wasn't that good.” Immediately bounce with a George Jefferson bop.