- 24 Paris, Lindsay and Britney are running around L.A. You wouldn't raise two daughters around there, either.
- 23 The Eastern Conference won't have Oden and Durant next year. Of all the years to not fix the lottery.

- 22 He's distraught over that sports-fan bigamist, Snoop Dogg, cheering for Golden State during the playoffs

- 21 The Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks are poaching the Lakers' fan base. Everyone loves a winner, even if it's in hockey.

- 20 The Shaquille O'Neal trade, which netted the Lakers not one former NBA All-Star. But they did get 19 …Brian Grant's hefty contract

- 18 …Lamar Odom's basketball IQ 17 …and Caron Butler. He could actually play with Kobe but was traded for 16 …the butterfingers on Kwame Brown's left hand 15 …and the butterfingers on Kwame Brown's right hand.

- 14 His entire supporting cast, but specifically 13 …that snowboarding space cadet Vladimir Radmanovic.

- 12 The coddling of Andrew "Baby” Bynum.

- 11 Mad that Dwyane Wade and LeBron James are the NBA's new poster children.

- 10 He's not in Charles Barkley's Fave 5.

- 9 Tired of being whistled at by Phil Jackson. Definitely the whistling. That, and 8 …because of Phil's extensive reading list, he won't be able to finish Karrine's next book until 2010.

- 7 Only relocation can expunge the Smush Parker Era (shudder) from his memory.

- 6 General manager Mitch Kupchak, the same guy who didn't pull the trigger on 5 …the botched Baron Davis trade 4 …the botched Ron Artest trade 3 …or the botched Jason Kidd trade.

- 2 No matter what getgarnett.com says, Kevin McHale is not trading KG to the Lakers.

- 1 Spent his entire career trying to be the next Michael Jordan and suddenly realized his post-Shaq career closer resembles Dominique Wilkins'.