I'm on a mission. A mission for vengeance. I must stand up and fight for my comedic bretheren! Sinbad, your fake death shall be avenged!!!
Last week, a nasty rumor was started when someone edited Sinbad's Wikipedia entry to say that he died of a heart attack earlier in the week. Since Sinbad has not been in the public eye in a month of Sundays, people believed the story and it spread like wildfire. That weekend, he made a statement and proved to the world that he was, in fact, still breathing. He got more attention and phone calls than he ever did in the "Walter Oakes" days, but it wasn't exactly good attention.
I want to know: What kind of sick, twisted soul tries to kill off Walter Oakes?! Sinbad doesn't even curse! The man lives about as clean a lifestyle as possibe! You'd be hard-pressed to find someone that Sinbad intentionally hurt. You're more likely to catch Pope Benedict hanging out in the local weed spot smoking herb in the Bible papers with Keith Murray and them.
By the way, making bad movies does not count as intentionally hurting someone, in case you want to bring up the $8 you spent at the theater on "Houseguest" or "First Kid." That's your own dumb ass fault. You know how to read movie reviews.
Seriously though, I've assembled a squad of washed-up celebrities that have endured death rumors recently, and trained them in the art of the ninja assasin. Then made them sit through 36 straight hours of films by Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris, Harrison Ford and Sylvester Stallone. So they are now well-versed in the art of cinematic vengeance-seeking! You're not ready!
My team consists of Christopher "I never liked you anyway, pretty motherf*cker" Williams and Jaleel "Steve Urkel" White. If Chris doesn't holler and oversing you to death, Jaleel can kill you 12 different ways with his suspenders. Trust me, he'll do it. Then he'll stand over your battered, lifeless corpse and say "Did I do that? You bet I did, BITCH!"
To all of you in cyberspace, allow this entry to serve as a warning: The next person to start a fake death rumor wil be made an example of! The Washed Up Celebrity Death Squad is coming for you!