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Let’s Just Be Friends


The male ego is something else. Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to tell you a story from my past. I don’t do this sort of thing very often anymore, because every time I do I get bombarded by questions from women, talking about, “Were you writing about me, you self-centered piece of sh*t?”

To which I either respond, “No. You know what happens when you ASS-ume things, don’t you? Jackass.”

Or I gently begin to sing, “You’re so vain…You probably think this column’s about you. Don’t you? Don’t you?”

Despite the backlash that is sure to come, I am going to risk getting cursed out for the entertainment of you King Magazine readers. I deserve a Nobel Prize for this. Or a Pulitzer. I’ll even settle for a BET Award out this b*tch (Sidebar…Justin Beiber nominated for a BET Award? Really?). But onto the story:

I remember back in the day, I was dating someone who initially showed lots of promise. We’d have fun together, but what really stood out to me was the fact that unlike with 90% of my romantic dealings, we took things slow physically. Or rather, she took things slow, and which seemed innocent and refreshing to me.

Fast forward about a month later. I’d begun to realize that although she’s a sweet girl, we did not have very much in common. It became clear that my infatuation was largely based on the fact that we hadn’t done anything sexual yet, and I’d immediately lose interest once I solved this sexual Rubik’s Cube in front of me in the cute sundress. Deep down, I knew I should ease myself out of the situation…

The same week that I came to this realization, I was talking to Miss Innocent on the phone when she said, “Leon, I think we should just be friends.”

The common sense part of my brain realized that she just allowed me to escape without being the bad guy, so I accepted it gracefully. However, for the next couple of days my ego was thinking, “You motherf*cker! I was supposed to dump YOU first! I’m the writer, director and star of this movie! How dare you steal MY motherf*ckin’ moment?!?!” I’m just glad that I maintained my composure and kept it cool instead of actually saying what I was really thinking out loud.

Yes, I got a big ego. Ha, ha-ha. Such a big ego…

How many of you out there can relate to that? To have ego and pride converge and deliver a tag-team beating on reason and good sense is not a good thing. Learn from this story and realize that sometimes when you lose, you actually win!

I should probably end this entry right there, but I want to take an informal poll. When you say “Let’s just be friends” to someone, what do you REALLY mean:

  1. I’m just too nice to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
  2. I don’t want to date you, yet I do not want it to be awkward when I see you in the street. We’re probably not really going to be “friends” per-se.
  3. You’re a psycho. Please don’t kill me.
  4. I don’t think we should seriously date, and we should remember that even if we do occasionally slip up and have sex.
  5. I actually do value your friendship even though things aren’t working romantically.

Answer this poll HONESTLY, even if it means you have to make up a screen name to avoid telling on yourself to whomever you’ve recently let down easy. Thanks in advance for your participation.

For more laughs, check out Leon’s blog, follow him on Twitter and add him on Facebook

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