Sh*t I Observed While High On Cold Medicine
I've been sick during this cold front which has hit much of the country over the past week. Wednesday, I was especially under the weather, so I attempted to use every piece of advice that I was given in order to feel better. As a result of using all those different over-the counter products and back-woods home remedy concoctions, my cold all but went away. Unfortunately, all of that medication had me high for the bulk of the day. While in such a state, I made the following observations:
Young Jeezy looks just like a thugged out version of Mr. Potato Head. For real, I respect Jeezy and like his music, but it was always something about him that seemed odd to me. Now I finally know what it is. He's an Idaho potato in disguise. I heard he got "Spud Life" tatted on his chest. Talking sh*t to other potatoes like "It you get mashed up, don't mention my name!"
Young Jeezy is probably gonna pistol whip me for this, so y'all better laugh, sh*t.
Drinking nothing but TheraFlu and Orange Juice makes your pee look flourescent. It it weren't cold outside, I would have gone out to write my name in the snow, just to see if it would glow in the dark. The first time I had to pee after drinking all that stuff, it looked like antifreeze, except bright yellow instead of toxic green.
Speaking of peeing, I have a new respect for Ray J. I know, I know...I clowned him just last week over on my blog for hooking up with Whitney Houston...and for being a coattail-riding bamma. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due and salute that guy for breaking off Kim Kardashian. I still haven't seen the sex tape yet, but I HAVE seen Kim Kardashian. I'm all about my black women, but God damn it, that Kim chick is fine as all outdoor f*ck. If I were to bring her home to momma, I would look mom in the eye and be like "Woman I DARE you to say something! Find something wrong! Go'on now! DO IT! That's what I thought! YOU CAN'T!!!"
Plus, she's a trust fund baby, since her late pops was one of OJ's lawyers. You do the math.
Old money + Sexy(and freaky since Ray J allegedly peed on her) = Leon living the gigolo life!
Ray J, I salute you, my brother.
Remember when the best way to end an insult was with the word "NOW!" This was some true black people sh*t. Someone says something about your mother, and you fire back at his bald-head, overweight mother with "That's why your momma looks like Bam-Bam Bigelow! NOW!"
My grandmother still does this. She'll be talking about someone, and throw "Now" at the end of her sentence for emphasis. It's not enough to say that Mr. Ernest smells like butt-crack. She'll be like "That's why I can't stand Mr. Ernest! He smell like butt-crack. NOW!"
You take things for granted when you're well that you only think about when you're sick. Stuff like, being able to walk around without a headache. Or, being able to breathe normally through your nose. I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I had a new lease on life! I felt like Wayne Brady in that commercial where he was singing to his coffee. That's how happy I was.
P.S., tell Young Jeezy not to motivate any of his thugs to come assasinate me. Thanks in advance,
Oh yeah, rest in peace, Bam Bam Bigelow. Sorry to make you the butt of a joke, posthumously. Also, rest in peace to Anna Nicole Smith. I used to want to touch your breasts when you were the "Guess" girl, so I guess out of respect, I should give you a minute to shine on here, too.