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Thank You, King Magazine

Today, I would like to dedicate this post to Thank you for giving me the opportunity to present my sh*t-talk to the world via this fine forum. This is just another step on my way to world domination, so I definitely appreciate you helping to enhance my Napoleon Complex. I am no longer 5’8″ tall. Thanks to you all, I am a giant! Look out Shaq! I’m coming for you and your bad knee!

I only hope that once I’m paid like Larry David of “Seinfeld” and “Curb Your Enthusiam” fame, I’ll act like someone who’se been there before. I don’t want to be one of those people whom you can look at and tell are “New money.” I am not quite sure that I’m ready to be honest…

Somehow, I have a feeling that the trifiling jackass within me will emerge if I am to get rich overnight. It wouldn’t be your usual hood superstar sh*t, like adding giant rims and other assorted unnecessary and flashy stuff to my fleet of luxury vehicles. It will be that NEXT level sh*t. Like, buying a white man.

Yeah, I said it. It won’t be white slavery per-se…more like having my own “indentured servant.” I’d pay off his student loans and provide room & board for 4 years. He’d just have to work around the house and let me degrade him whenever I feel like it. I might even go the extra mile and make him change his name, just to get a small measure of revenge for what they did to Kunta-Kinte.

Leon: What’s yer name, boy?

Servant: Kip.

Leon: Your name ain’t Kip. From now on, your name is…Dikembe! Now…WHAT’S YER NAME!

Servant: Uhh…Dikembe?

Leon: Good job. Now run along Dikembe.

See what I’m saying? I don’t know if I’m ready to be a big-time success story. I might get mad one day and slap someone with a wallet full of cash, then laugh as he or she scrambles to pick the cash up off the ground. Hahahahaha! Silly peasant! On your knees, excited over my pocket change! I should d*ck slap you while down there! As a matter of fact, open your mouth so I can choke you to death with my left ball!

Ok, it’s official…I need to take things slow and prepare myself for the good things that are in store for my career in humor. Thanks again, King Magazine for making me a columnist. I promise not to harass too many of your models.

Ok. That was a lie.

I'm already abusing my power

Also, thanks to all of you readers and commenters out there. You all are the best.


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