The Lamest Bad Guys In Movie History

7. Joaquin Phoenix as Commodus in Gladiator
Daddy issues, whiny, weak, incest, funny clothes, spoiled
Background/Motive: Ruthless and ambitious, Commodus starts behaving badly after his father selects honest war hero Maximus (Russell Crowe) to lead Rome until the democratic Senate is reinstalled. Florida recount, anyone?
Evil Deeds: Commodus murders his father, murders Maximus' family and yearns to impregnate his own sister. That's almost Shakespearean!
Strength: Commodus is decent with the sword, but his Praetorian guards do the heavy lifting.
Weakness: Vanity. Craving adoration from the citizenry, Commodus sulks when the Colosseum crowd goes ape-shit for Maximus.
Real Weakness: He mopes around his castle like a petulant teenager in a ruffled pirate shirt. Basically, he's as intimidating as the average Coldplay fan.
Outcome: Commodus shanks a shackled Maximus prior to their final showdown but still succumbs to his weakened foe. Live like a chump, die like a chump.

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6. Aaliyah as Queen Akasha in Queen of the Damned
Funny clothes, bad dialogue, guy problems, funny accent
Background/Motive: Equipped with fangs, weird eye shadow and T-Pain-esque vocal effects, Queen Akasha is a 1,000-year-old vampire who snaps from her slumber to seduce vampire turned rock star Lestat—same Lestat from Interview with the Vampire. Different actor. In a rare display of good sense, Tom Cruise sat this one out.
Evil Deeds: Besides stacking up trailer loads of vampire corpses, Akasha coerces Lestat into killing a human friend.
Strength: She flies, uses telekinesis and makes vampires' blood catch fire. All the violence is set to the goth-rock sounds of Korn, which give the film that sweet Trench Coat Matrix aesthetic.
Weakness: If her blood is drained, Akasha turns into a frozen, statuesque husk before dissipating into smoke. Her cast members are always frozen, statuesque husks.
Real Weakness: Aaliyah's final film role is doomed by wooden dialogue and laughable special effects—vampire attacks are blurred. How can she be scary if we can't see her dirty work?
Outcome: Lestat and some old-school vampires gang up on Akasha and slurp her blood. That's substantial sucking, but it only represents a small percentage of the suckiness found in Queen of the Damned.

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5. The High Hats Gang in The Warriors
Weak, funny clothes, mime makeup, no dialogue
Background/Motive: The High Hats (along with every gang in New York) hunted the Warriors after the leather vest–clad crew was framed for shooting Cyrus.
Evil deeds: A two-bit gang that never gets much action, the High Hats are nevertheless fashion criminals of the highest order. Their, er, imposing uniforms consist of mime makeup, top hats and suspenders.
Strength: Although never captured on film, the High Hats are skilled in the deadly arts of juggling, unicycle riding and stuffing gang members into small cars. They'll turn your block into Cirque du Soleil.
Weakness: While the Warriors repped the streets of Coney Island, the High Hats were from SoHo. Even before the hood became infested with boutiques and trattorias, there weren't many badasses at Basquiat's loft parties.
Real Weakness: They dressed like freakin' mimes. Even the Lizzies could probably thrash them in a street fight.
Outcome: The Warriors safely make it back to Coney Island, the perpetrator of the murder is brought to justice and Puffy gets an idea for a Craig Mack remix.

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