No-Spin Zone

Rapper: 50 Cent

Endorses: Barack Obama
Argument: "I heard Obama speak. He hit me with that he-just-got-done-watching-Malcolm X, and I swear to God, I'm like, 'Yo, Obama!' I'm Obama to the end now, baby!”

Future career as pundit: Guest financial columnist in The Wall Street Journal (not to be confused with the Game's Black Wall Street Journal).

Pet issues: Government subsidies for poverty-stricken window shoppers, legalization of steroids, classification of grape-flavored VitaminWater as a vegetable in school lunch programs, preemptive global wars against other rappers.

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Rapper: Lupe Fiasco

Endorses: Hillary Clinton

Argument: "I'm not voting for anybody. But I want Hillary to win. Obama doesn't really impress me like that. It's not a shot at him but at some of his agendas, the bombing of Iran and all that stuff. He ain't gonna do nothing but perpetuate the nonsense that all the presidents before have done and what Bush is doing now.”

Future career as pundit: Under the pseudonym Tito Disaster, he discusses Noam Chomsky–inspired Japanese denim for hypebeast.com's YouTube channel.

Pet issues: Law-enforced curfews to prevent midnight marauding, construction of poser-friendly skate parks for underprivileged youth.

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Rapper: Prodigy of Mobb Deep

Endorses: Ron Paul

Argument: "He exposes a lot of things. He gets busy; he says things I be saying in my rhymes. It's not about color, it's not about religion—it's about freedoms.”

Future career as pundit: Links up with Prison Planet's resident conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones, to produce a documentary explaining how the 9/11 attacks and those infamous childhood photos of P in a dance outfit are interconnected. (Hint: What album came out on the day the towers fell?)

Pet issues: Reformation of concealed-weapon laws, passage of legislature preventing discrimination against the height-challenged, installation of a government that provides citizens with "bread, ribs and hundred-dollar bills.”

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Rapper: Common

Endorses: Barack Obama

Argument: "He's just there to do some good things in the world for people all around the world, whether you black, white, Latino, Asian—Obama is down for us.”

Future career as pundit: Host of I'm Sorry, Skeezers, an Oxygen Network series in which rappers apologize to strippers for demeaning their craft in videos and then impregnate them gently.

Pet issues: Stopping sweatshop labor at factories that produce woolen headwear and panda-pelt chaps, amending the Constitution to include "Vegan Bliss: 209 Recipes for Guilt-Free Okra.”