Okay, here's the truth: I swear my girl is fine as hell and every man wants her. Here's an even bigger truth: Chances are good I'm only fooling myself.

Time and time again, my ladyfriend needs to remind me that when she goes out, every dude isn't necessarily trying to holler at her, even though I don't believe that for a second. As she tells me, the way I see her isn't the way every guy sees her, and even though I find that terribly hard to believe, something happened the other day that made me totally realize my girl may be on to something.

As I'm waiting for my curried goat at the West Indian spot down the street from my crib, I see this one brotha with the fattest white girl ever. Now, before I go any further, I must preface this by saying the brotha looked as though he wouldn't have a problem getting a decent looking chick - at least a better looking chick than the one he was canoodling with in the waiting area - so not only was this a strange sight, it was borderline disgusting. I thought to myself, how in the world can this man be so affectionate towards this woman who is clearly an eyesore on any street she walks? But what really tripped me out was when the dude caught me giving them the eye, he looked back at me like I stole something. The dude immediately grabbed his girl, turned her around, and made it so his back was facing me, and she was on the opposite side of him, barely out of my vision. I had to laugh if only because, his girl was way too big for him to cover her up and way too big for me to ever even think about her in that sort of way.

What I realize is this seems to be what my pop's used to call good problems. We all know men are conditioned to be into the superficial qualities of a woman. Before he says one word to a woman, he sizes her up, makes sure everything is right. If she looks good from the back, he has to check the front. If she looks good from the front, he's going to need to see the back. Looks aren't everything, but damn it if they're not a great big piece of the pie. So, of course, when a man finally decides to wife up a chick, best believe he's going to think she's as fine as frog's hair. Ain't no dude wifing up a chick that he believes to be less than a seven. And to a lot of women, that sort of attention makes them feel good.

But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and trust me, some of y'all brothas be holding some ugly women. But you'll never know it, because we're hardwired to be into beauty before brains.

As the song goes, if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. Those women who are truly liberated and not bound by traditional sexual norms, have a different way of dealing with eye candy. When they see a man who they think is fine as hell, they'll either fuck him that night and keep him around for a few more good times, or they'll keep him at arm's length, because most women are afraid of getting too involved with the guy every girl wants. And in the end, the man they settle down with is usually a "safe" choice, which, loosely translated, means the man is slightly overweight or a little awkward looking.

Meanwhile, a man sees a brickhouse walking down the street, and will tell his boys he's just seen his future wife. He'll wife up the baddest chick he's ever seen, but be in the streets, fucking off with a whole bunch of Average Jane's. And if he's ever lucky enough to call the finest woman he's ever seen his woman, he's in for a lot of bullshit, not because she doesn't know how to act (even though that is likely to happen, a lot), but because a beautiful woman feeds into the insecurities of even the most comfortable men. It's like walking around with a glass jar that's holding lightning. You want to show it off to the world, but can't nobody touch it. I believe my woman is beautiful, more beautiful than any woman I've seen, but if this shit don't work out, I'm not about to commit suicide over her ass. Damn that. I'm just gonna get with a ugly chick and in the end, because of my conditioning, I'll swear she's super bad.