The Cohabitation Chronicles Pt. 2
So not even three weeks into living together, my woman and I have hit a huge snag and I am now in jeopardy of losing her. The reason for this is quite simple: I messed up. Huge time. What did I do? Not important. When did I do it? It's worth noting, the wrong I did happened months before she moved in with me. Moving on...
All I'm left with is a bunch of question marks. Namely, where do wifey and I go from here? As wifey's mom likes to say, we're in the trenches, but I don't know if she thought we'd ever be this deep in the trenches. And since I'm the one who got us in these trenches, I'm wondering, how and when will we get out?
And I Wonder...
I have no idea what I want to do now that she knows the skeletons I had in my closet. Not a clue. I've never been in a situation like this. In my own defense, the only way she found out about these skeletons was because she was digging in closets that weren't hers to dig through, but for some reason, I am still not at the point where I'm truly upset about that. I know I will get upset about all of that at some point, but right now, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's next. If she does choose to still be with me, how do we move on from here? Should I love this woman or leave her alone? I do love this woman - loved her enough to ask her to move in with me - and watching her pack some stuff after the initial fall-out was gut wrenching. But if she chooses to stay with me, in spite of what I did a few months back, what are the future consequences? I want to forget I was that person who did those things, and I wonder if keeping her around will only be a constant reminder.
I've Been Waiting On This My Whole Life...
Those who know me, know that all I have talked about and cared about the entire summer is living with wifey. I was ready for this move like a well trained boxer. I was ready for the adjustments of the hair in the sink, the sharing of closet space, going home to one woman and being with one woman night after night after night. That's where my heart was, in spite of my mishaps. But now she says, the whole relationship has been built on lies. As if to say, my actions in the beginning, the ones I committed behind her back, were the only honest thing I did, because that is who I truly am. And I'm trying to tell her, what I did had nothing to do with how I felt about her. But it all just sounds like excuses to her, which is hard, because the only thing worse than a person being mad at you is a person not believing you. So now, to hear her tell it, I was never ever ready to do what it takes to live with her. All of a sudden, I wasn't a changed man with her. Rather, I was the same boy I've always been, because you know what they say. Boys will be boys. Maybe she's right. Right?
And I Wonder...If You Know...
I'm trying to convey to my woman that what I did was not a reflection of how I felt about her. There was no soul in what I did. No heart in it either. It had nothing to do with feelings. That in spite of what I did, she can't possibly believe that was who I really am? Seriously. Since when do momentary actions represent a person's entire character? Okay, maybe it represents a part of my character, but let's be real here. The good we do and do the bad we do are all done by choice. I made the choice to do something I shouldn't of done, and it's a choice I regret. But I'm not a bad man. If you try to tell me that, you can't tell me nothing because I believe I'm a good man, who just made some bad choices.
You Hope That He Get What He Deserves....
I know she's hoping I get what I deserve. I just know it. Like 'Pac said, "Revenge is the sweetest joy, next to getting pu**y". How true is that? And never underestimate women's desire for revenge. It's a gift that she will be reluctant to accept, but surely keep. So it makes you wonder why she wants to take you back? Is it to give you what's coming to you or is it because she really loves you? If we do move on from this together, years later, will she remember what the issue is? The chokes and the screams I can handle, because it's in front of my face and I see it for what it is. Revenge? I don't know if I can stomach that.
And I Wonder...If You Know...What It Means
What does it mean to truly be sorry for your actions? And how much does love factor into the meaning of forgiveness? What does it mean when your bad habits finally get the best of you? What does it mean if you walk away from the damage you caused? Does it mean you smartened up or gave up?
Back On My Grind...
Last night, I spent the night at my brother's place instead of going home so that both my woman and I could take a night to cool off. But tonight, I have to go back into the lion's den. I'm not scared, but damn it, I'm tired. We've been arguing since Monday, and I've been sleeping on a hardwood floor with nothing but a down comforter and a thin rug separating me from it. My eyes have been open every night to see the clock strike 3 a.m. I don't want to do that shit anymore. It's Friday, maybe the weekend is a perfect time to handle this whole situation and talk things out,, but it could also be the longest weekend of our lives. When we talk it out I hope God can call me from the hotlines, and give me some hot lines, because lately, I've just been talking in circles. Yet, I gotta face the music here. That's what I'm about.
And I Wonder...If You Know...What It Means...To Find Your Dreams Come True
The truth is, my sleeps haven't been filled with dreams these past few days. And maybe that's because the one dream I had all this summer - the one where my lady moves out here to be with me - came true three weeks ago when she landed. And since she still hasn't left, I suppose my dream is still alive, even though it's felt more like a nightmare these past few days. Hopefully, we work it out, stay together, and move on from this. To grow together as a couple out of this unfortunate mistake I made would definitely be something like a dream come true. But, I will know soon enough what she wants to do. In the meantime...I wonder.