The New Lie Women Tell You

I'm not trying to brag or boast, but let me just say, the number of women I've been with in my lifetime is definitely somewhere between 1 and 100. Now within that number, the amount of women I have satisfied is definitely, I'm almost positive, between 2 and 99. What can I say? Even Michael Jordan missed an open jumper from time to time.

What I've learned over time is one must not brag or boast about what they can do and want to do if they were to be so lucky to actually get a shot at the crown. In the early years of my sexual journey, I had a tendency to talk shit, and a lot of it. I felt like I was a number 1 draft pick. But sure enough, I was eventually humbled by one or two women, and I realized, I may not be the best thing since pockets on pants. But every now and then, my hubris would get the best of me, I referred to myself as a legend in the bedroom and told the woman I was fixin' to lay down with that I'll be signing autographs after the show. This is what I did sometimes. This is what a lot of men do.

But can someone please tell me why the fairer sex is now copying this behavior? Women are now bragging on their trim like it's the hottest club we can (or cannot for those lames) get into, and in talking with my boys, I've learned I'm not the only one who's been confronted with this unfortunate trend. Fellas, raise your hand if a woman has told you she is going to turn you out, only to find out she couldn't put it on you if you gave her instructions. Put your hands down. The only rationale I can think of to explain such disheartening mimickry of male behavior is women seek a certain level of sexual equality and the only strategy they have to attain that is to do to men what men do to them. As they say, "When in Rome..." you know the rest.

Fortunately, wifey has made an honest man out of me, so I no longer have to suscept myself to such tragedies, but if I were to ever have to navigate these concrete jungles to feed my sexual appetite, and started coming across mirages, I'd probably keel over and die. Contrary to what some women may think, men need a lot more than a big butt and a smile to satisfy their desires. And to be honest, when I used to come across a few lame ducks, I never could quite place my finger on why I hadn't really enjoyed myself, but I always knew it had something to do with the fact that she made herself out to be the best thing since the invention of bag clips. What's even sadder is a lot of women who do think they're the greatest of all time have probably developed this mindframe based on their encounters with sorry ass dudes. I wouldn't know for sure, but I could only guess this is why so many women I ended up with fell like the rock of that one place I can't spell.

Hopefully, the ladies who do read my column will start changing their shit-talking ways, and they would be better off for it. Women can't be the best in bed, because as they say, sex is like pizza, even when it's bad it's pretty good. And to further the analogy, Dominos is everywhere, so even when a lady doesn't want to give us independently owned slices, we can still get a pizza delivered hot to our door step. It may not be the best pizza in town, but at least Dominoes doesn't hype their shit up to be the best.