Super Bowl Movie Ads

Corny or not, the only reason I tuned into the Super Bowl last night was to catch these much-hyped (at least amongst the Hollywood-focused online community and talking-head-circles) commercials spots. The game itself, surprisingly, turned out to be a good watch as the fourth quarter displayed some of the worst defense this side of O.J. Simpson's law team. Yet, still, I left my respective party not reeling from the back-and-forth touchdowns but from the slew of "2009 blockbuster film” previews.

Just in case you missed any, or want to see them again, here goes (in order from worst to best):

Year One
Release Date: June 19, 2009

On paper, this comedy—about two nomadic primitives (Jack Black and Michael Cera) trying to find a new home after being banished from their village—seems promising. You have the reunion of Superbad's Cera with Christopher "McLovin” Mintz-Plasse and the return of comedy legend Harold Ramis (Ghostbusters, Stripes) behind the camera; reliable Judd Apatow produces it, and it has a limitless high-concept set-up penned by two writers from NBC's always-hilarious The Office. But this trailer is about as lowbrow, moronic and obvious as it gets. I'll wait until the full trailer hits before I write this one off, but it's not looking good.

Land of the Lost
Release Date: June 5, 2009

I've seen many episodes of the old television series, and I know that there is plenty of campy fun to be had in a Will Ferrell-led update. Especially one that has 2008's breakthrough funnyman Danny McBride (Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder) cast as his shotgun-driver. Unfortunately, the laughs here are non-existent, and the special effects look garden-variety lame. Worried, much?

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Release Date: August 7, 2009

Yes, about 10% of the characters here look nothing like those old action figures I used to play with daily, and most of the action stuff seen here looks as expectedly lame and over-the-top as terrible-director Stephen Sommers is known for. Marlon Wayans is here, too, for some reason, and you get hackneyed dialogue exchanges, to boot. This is going to be a huge mess, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that this commercial doesn't have the least bit interested. To be fair, Snake Eyes flipping onto that car is pretty cool, and Sienna Miller is looking delicious in those black outfits as The Baroness. At the most, this one could end up as a guilty pleasure. Brain-rotting candy that I know I shouldn't indulge in, but just can't resist.

Angels & Demons
Release Date: May 15, 2009

This whole "slightly-better-than-average Joe goes unlocking ancient mysteries” genre is the pits to me, personally. Those National Treasure movies are garbage, as is, but when you realize just how blatantly they bite off The Da Vinci Code then those Nicolas Cage-starring messes become even more dreadful. The Da Vinci Code itself was a capably made but ultimately overlong and pompous snooze itself, so the thought of a follow-up (which confusingly adapts the book's prequel into a sequel, for that matter) isn't very exciting. Everything I've seen from Angels & Demons, however, has me ready to take pie-to-face, specifically the intriguing "satanic” elements. Now, I'm excited.

Star Trek
Release Date: May 8, 2009

I'm no die-hard Trekkie (though I can do the Vulcan hand-sign like a professional), so the pretty-and-young cast here don't piss me off. Nor does the fact that J.J. Abrams (director and mastermind behind this new origin story/film) has gone on the record stating that he himself has never been a huge Star Trek head. So all I have to work with is the luscious Zoe Saldana, "Harold” himself John Cho, Heroes' badass "Sylar” (Zachary Quinto), and the aforementioned Abrams—all things I'm partial to. And this preview looks top-notch. Sign me up, Enterprise team.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Release Date: June 26, 2009

Some movies require little more than a hungry imagination and a shutdown brain, and 2007's Transformers is a prime example. Those who hate on it for being "mindless” or "poorly written” or whatever other pretentious disses come to mind need to get off their high horses and let loose; it was a movie about giant alien robots duking it out on Earth, and was directed by a perfectly-suited Michael Bay. What the fuck else would you expect? And now we have this first teaser for its follow-up, and holy shit is it awesome! Not only does it seem to be a bit meaner in tone, but we also have what appears to be the Devastator bringing the pain to Optimus Prime, Megatron getting the upper hand on Shia The Beef (a nickname that demands a "Pause” surname), and a panther-like robot! Oh, and glimpses of Megan Fox, just to remind us that she's back in gorgeous action. Color me psyched.